Maybe you saw my husband's post yesterday.
|A drawing for ALL 3 of my babies ;)|
I have been hesitant to post anything about our "news", but Nick knew just how to do it and did it so well. :) This is why we make a good team. He doesn't need many words to get across his point, but I do.
See, with that one picture comes many emotions and memories, many people that need to be thanked and so much thanksgiving, humbling and gratitude.
Ava was our emergency c-section, crazy experience of a first child. I am thankful she is here, healthy and growing so beautifully. She could have had a worse experience, had complications more than respiratory help, etc. But, she is well. We are thankful. She is our joy and our laughter. She has taught us so much and we are so thankful for her.
Noah, well, just read this entire blog's worth of posts and you'll know why he is our special middle child. His legacy is beyond what I will ever know. I tend to be wrecked by the power of his story, his little life, his testimony, his journey, his purpose. My son will always be my hero. I'm thankful for ALL we learned and ALL we gained by having him in our life.
#3- he or she is my little buddy that I am savoring. I think that is why I was hesitant to share him/her with the world just yet, because I didn't get this early pregnancy time with Noah and it is all a blur with Ava. She was our first, things were crazy and amazing, new and somewhat scary. Noah we did not find out about our pregnancy until later into the pregnancy and so I missed out on the beginning. This little one growing inside of me is my little person, in which I'm savoring every second of carrying. I am exhausted. All. The. Time. It's perfectly ok too.
I cannot say that I ever thought I would mother 3 children. I just figured we would have 2. When Noah was born I knew we would not be able to really try again, knowing we had a lifetime of craziness ahead with a heart baby. Maybe God would have shown me otherwise, but in my heart, I was set on 2 and that would be a blessing. When Noah died, I wasn't sure if we would have another one even still. Having another baby wasn't going to fix the fact that I had to give my baby back so soon. Another baby was not the answer to my grief and sadness. I kept my heart open though and as Nick and I walked through grief together we often talked about the time and season when we would be ready to take a chance.
Healing is an interesting thing. Healing leaves scars. I have a killer scar from my c-sections. My emergency experience made way for me to have a vertical scar. It is scary looking. Some may say I have a front butt... I know, bad mental picture. It is not pretty. It hurt both times. It took time to heal. Once it was stapled, once it was nicely stitched and glued. I can't go a single day without seeing it, thinking about it or sometimes wishing it wasn't there... but in reality, it has made me who I am today. That scar is a battle wound, a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL. He heals, he restores, he GIVES GOOD GIFTS THROUGH HARD CIRCUMSTANCES. Interestingly enough, that scar will be opened again. I see this journey ahead of me as I help to bring a new life into the world, that the emotional and spiritual scars will reopen during this season too and it will hurt, it will be uncomfortable, but it will be a reminder, it will teach me and it will assure me that GOD IS FAITHFUL and that HE GIVES GOOD GIFTS.
Healing doesn't create a perfect world after hardship, it doesn't make it all better or fix it to exactly how it was before. My scar has "healed" twice. There is an aftermath to the healing. It isn't pretty, it isn't how it was before the surgeries, it is even going to be opened again and have to re-heal. Does that even make sense? Our healing goes through seasons as well and sometimes things are reopened. Sometimes healing looks ugly. Healing isn't easy. Healing takes time. Healing takes effort on our part though, to do what is necessary to get there. If I did not take care of myself during the healing times post surgery, I could have complications.
What complications are you dealing with because you won't take care of yourself in the healing process??? We must allow healing to take place or infection can take hold, unnecessary pain can be added to the mix. How are you hindering your healing? Healing takes time and we all know that, but it can cease to happen if we don't let it.
So, in this new season I am humbled. I'm not sure why God allowed me to have another shot at motherhood. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready again for long nights and all the firsts. But, I know he knows. I know I was never ready to have a child with a heart defect. I was never in my life ready to hold my baby while he died. But, God knew. He knows what we need and why. He especially knows when.
I'm grateful and humbled by all the well wishes, prayers and excited hearts that are joining us on this next journey. I am thrilled to think about all the amazing relationships and friendship we have at this time in our life who will make such a mark on our family and new addition's life. Our new little one is going to be born into a family who now knows more than ever how precious life is, how special and fragile it is. He or she will be born into a family who is humbled, simplified, and intentional. He or she will be born into a family of believers who already love, pray for and cherish him/her. My cup overflows with gratitude for the gift of life this is.
There are hard parts to this though. What ifs can creep up. I'm praying through them and asking God with all that I am that this child is perfect and healthy. What an amazing thing to be able to hold my child they day they are born, even minutes after they are born?? What does that look like? How does that work? Will we take this child home? Will we get to watch him or her grow and develop like we have Ava? God knows. He always has. He has a plan. He has a purpose. Right now, my only job is to carry, love and pray for this little life. I can handle that. I don't have to plan out a thing, know the outcome or worry about it either way. I can savor, enjoy and hold onto every day I get this little one to myself.
Again, I cannot tell you how humbled and grateful we are to each of you for your words of encouragement, love, excitement, prayers and joy! You all have walked with us through the darkest moments of our life and now we get to walk through some joyous times! What answers to prayer are taking place even in this time!
Thank you is never (has never been) enough, but we do. We thank you and love you all.
December is going to be an exciting month for the W's.
I'll update you all as we travel this journey.
Ava, Noah and #3's mommy